Calling Off Calling it Quits

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At SingleDad, we provide our members with the best possible resources and referrals. Please read the latest article from Dr. Deborah Hecker, our Divorce Counselor. In this feature, Dr. Hecker discusses the trend of staying together instead of divorce.

CALLING OFF CALLING IT QUITS

Divorce Rates Drop as Couples Realize It’s Cheaper to Stay Together

Financial problems often drive couples apart, but the nation’s overwhelming economic crisis may be holding them together. Why are people thinking twice about getting divorced? The simple answer is they can’t afford to divorce in these uncertain times.

During normal economic circumstances each divorcing spouse retains a lawyer so that a fair settlement can be reached. Divorce attorneys are expensive, however those expenses are generally recovered when the marital home, often the couple’s largest asset, is sold and the proceeds are divided. Setting up two new and separate households is pricey, but there are always credit cards and personal loans to cover the additional expenses. Despite the high financial costs of divorce, couples have managed to go their separate ways and establish new lives.

However, these are not normal economic times and getting a divorce is not what it used to be. Our distressed economy, with stagnant salaries, plummeting home values and rising unemployment, barely permits people to afford one home, much less two. With nearly one in six homes worth less than the mortgage owed on it, people are no longer building up equity in their homes and dividing that equity at divorce. According to Moody’s Economy.com, the family has, in many cases, become a "toxic asset."

The numbers speak for themselves. A poll conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 37 percent of its members have seen a decrease in the number of couples seeking a divorce. According to its president, people are putting off the decision to divorce until the economy gets better.


Alternative Lifestyles

The pressures of the current financial crisis have forced couples to adjust to new lifestyles. What are some of the options they are choosing?

Staying together: Ironically, the economic downturn may be doing what family therapists and religious leaders have long struggled to accomplish; keeping troubled marriages together. Indeed, many marriage counselors and social workers are reporting a jump in business in recent months as couples are attempting to save their marriage…and their money. Sometimes the financial implications of a divorce are so grim that a couple whose marriage is on the rocks decides to give it another try, perhaps work a little harder before rushing to judgment prematurely.

Staying together without the hope of rekindling their marriage: With the recession and the collapse of the housing market, more and more couples who have broken up (through legal divorce or separation) are continuing to live under the same roof. Some are waiting for the housing and stock markets to rebound; some are trying to get back on their feet financially. With few, if any, assets to help them start over, couples’ financial interdependence is simply too great to file for divorce.

Get divorced: Some couples decide it is better to just throw in the towel and get divorced despite the possibility of creating financial ruin for themselves. For these people, the sense of relief that comes with divorce is worth the price. For others, who opt to terminate the marriage, it is often not until later that they realize how bad their financial circumstances really are.


Tips For Making The Best Of A Difficult Situation

Not being able to get a divorce because the financial price is too high seems downright wrong. Nevertheless, the number of couples staying together because they cannot afford to live apart is rising. Couples are even finding themselves able to afford the divorce but still unable to afford the cost of separating and setting up individual homes – forcing them to continue to live together after the divorce. The potential for problems to occur in such circumstances is enormous. After all, there are reasons why couples get divorced, and those reasons do not disappear with the signing of the divorce decree.

Remaining together after divorce is not for everyone. It is tricky, but it can work under the right circumstances. If a divorced/separated couple decides to remain together, the following suggestions will assist them to make their arrangements successful:

1. Be civil and respectful at all times.
2. Both parties and their children must be clear that the arrangement is temporary. There can be no mixed messages or false hopes for reconciliation. If that cannot be achieved, the arrangement may be inappropriate.
3. Discuss the time frame. Is there a specific date to move? If not, how will they know when it is time? What happens if one person wants to leave prior to the agreed time?
4. Set up arrangements for sharing household expenses. If there is no legal settlement, decide what money is shared and what is separate.
5. Be clear about how physical space will be used. If needed, make a schedule for exclusive use of certain rooms.
6. Agree on the way to describe the living arrangements to friends and family.
7. Create ground rules for bringing other people into the house.
8. If children are involved, identify the co-parenting arrangements.
9. Agree on dating and bringing new partners into the house.


Developing Separateness While Living Together As a Divorced Couple

Living together as a divorced couple requires developing dual, seemingly paradoxical, skills; good team work and independence from one another. As a team, the primary tasks of the divorced couple living together are to resolve shared problems including dividing living space, co-parenting arrangements, household expenses and other practical matters. As individuals, each member of the divorced/separated couple has a responsibility to build a separate identity as a non-married person.

How can pain, disenchantment, and alienation-all normal feelings resulting from divorce-be reconciled with understanding and respecting each others’ needs? Is it possible for these seemingly paradoxical tasks to be integrated? For those divorced couples who are good candidates to remain together it is crucial that they develop a contract or some form of agreement which clearly articulates
The ground rules for co-existing. This contract requires a commitment on the part of the divorced/separated couple to work together honestly and with integrity.

The following are some ideas for the couple to consider if they find themselves in conflict with one another.

1. Consider going to see a marriage counselor, mediator or collaborative attorney to help resolve differences about practical matters, such as shared living space, parenting responsibilities, dating, etc.
2. Consider meeting with a financial planner to work out a formula for sharing living expenses. Chances are the couple will find themselves in monetary difficulties that were not addressed in the divorce decree. For example, what happens if one person loses their job while the couple is co-existing?
3. Consider consulting a parenting expert who can assist with helping children adjust to these unusual circumstances. Children are very sensitive to their parents’ unspoken needs and desires. If one parent hopes the temporary living arrangement will result in a reconciliation the children may pick up on this and develop false hopes.

Living together when divorced or separated requires that the former spouses work towards resolutions that meet both sets of needs. It means reframing their relationship so that despite the conflicts that may exist between them, they function as mutually respectful working partners, not adversaries. No one would suggest that this is an easy process. However, if the divorced/separated spouses wish for a successful separation, working together to survive uncertain financial times and unusual living arrangements is absolutely essential.

Richard JaramilloRichard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com,
a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children.
RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents
“Make Life Happen…Again!”

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Richard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com, a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children. RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents “Make Life Happen…Again!”