How to Handle Sibling Rivalry

The arguing, teasing and endless competition between your kids may drive you nuts, but a bit of sibling rivalry is actually good for them, according to new research conducted by the University of Cambridge. The 2011 study showed that interaction between siblings – even when it s negative – boosts cognitive and social development and sharpens relationship-building skills.

The arguing, teasing and endless competition between your kids may
drive you nuts, but a bit of sibling rivalry is actually good for them,
according to new research conducted by the University of Cambridge. The
2011 study showed that interaction between siblings — even when it’s
negative — boosts cognitive and social development and sharpens
relationship-building skills.

Generally, parents should stay out of sibling squabbles and let their
kids work it out themselves. But if the fighting is constant, intense
or physical — or if your kids don’t make up in a day — it’s time to
intervene, according to family psychologist Peter Goldenthal, author of Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate.

“You’re not going to have siblings without some competition, but
there’s a huge difference between conflict and rivalry, and rivalry and
bullying,” says Goldenthal. Here’s how to handle sibling rivalry so that
it’s healthy — not harmful.

Know when sibling squabbles turn into bullying.
The
three things to look out for is an uneven distribution of power (older
siblings harassing younger ones), threats by one sibling that things
will get worse if the other one “tells,” and intentionally rough
behavior. In these cases, parents have to intervene because the
situation won’t get better by itself, according to Goldenthal.
Especially if one sibling is threatening the other, “You have to show
the person who reports it to you that it is better to be the
whistle-blower,” he says.

Talk about it later, when things are good.
When
you catch your kids sharing, cooperating and being nice to each other,
call attention to it. Tell them they’re doing what family members should
do: be good to each other, not of fight with each other. Say, “Isn’t
this great? I bet you feel good about how you’re getting along.”

Watch out for favoritism.
Sometimes
sibling rivalry stems from a perception of favoritism — and not
necessarily over the kids themselves, according to Goldenthal. Parents
may favor the activities of one child over those of the other, eagerly
attending all the soccer games but few of the recitals or dance shows.
Try to show equal levels of interest in each sibling’s activities and
accomplishments, even if it’s not your personal favorite.

Get to the ‘why.
You
can try asking your kids straight out why they fight, but don’t expect a
real answer. Instead, Goldenthal suggests saying, “I wonder what was
going on with you when you were doing this.” Sometimes kids just need to
vent, and by listening, you teach them that there’s a better way to
express their emotions than by arguing.

Walk away.
Once you’re sure the sibling rivalry
between your kids isn’t extreme or potentially damaging, don’t intervene
during their fights. “It’s like being the lifeguard when nobody’s
drowning,” says Goldenthal. You especially want to stay away if their
bickering is making you angry. “When children are doing certain things
to each other and somebody’s going to be upset, it shouldn’t be the
parent,” he adds.

One way to keep from getting annoyed is to remember that sibling
rivalry can be a valuable learning tool for kids. When handled
correctly, their arguing can help them build social skills that will
last a lifetime.